I Will Stand Still For You

Like most teenage girls who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I attended a yearly girl's camp each summer. I grew up in northern Utah which meant that our big yearly hike was truly big. My favorite peak to hike was Ben Lomand peak near Ogden, UT. I love mountains and this mountain is no exception. As I remember the several times I hiked Ben Lomand, I feel as if she wrapped me in her arms each summer and taught me some very profound life lessons.

 There she is way off there in the distance with some snow on the peak. Yup, I've stood on the top of that mountain and a million posts could come from my experiences along those dusty trails. This one is for those of you dealing with infertility. Yes, Ben Lomand has some lessons on that as well. I'm just going to continue what I wrote in my last post "How I Survived The Waiting Years" by starting off with this experience...

It was my last year at girl's camp. We were on the long descent down from the peak. The mountain is so steep in some parts and so dense in foliage that those who forged the trail many, many years ago, created switch backs to make it more hiker friendly. So, instead of going straight up the mountain, you kind of zig zag your way up, or down as I was doing at the moment of the memory.

Sometimes switch backs can be very tedious and the temptation to just forge your own trail straight up the mountain between the switchbacks is very strong. On this particular day, a group of our girls wanted to get down the mountain faster than normal, so they just started going straight down. You know where this is going...they got lost and almost fell off an unseen cliff.

But I didn't know any of that when I saw them. I was just walking along the trail talking to some other hikers when I heard a bunch of girls yelling my name. I looked down and saw this group of girls. They were frantically waving their arms. It was difficult to figure out what they were yelling because they were so far away but I finally deciphered that they couldn't find the trail and they needed help.

I was confused because what they couldn't see was that the trail was maybe 20 footsteps away. I could see it clearly. But they had been lost and disoriented and had no idea where they were. I did my best to point out that if they just kept walking up the mountain from where they stood, they would find the trail within seconds. I started to walk on to get closer to them but they yelled "Stop!" Somehow I got the message that they wanted me to just stand still and not move until they made it to where I was. Little did they know they would find a trail long before they made it up to where I was. But I did as they asked. I stood still, until they found the trail where they sat down and cried - tears of exhaustion and gratitude.

They had been so lost and so afraid that they couldn't see things clearly.

Can you see the gazillion lessons to be learned from this experience? I could start off several different topics with this story. But I'm choosing to use this story to introduce a post about infertility. Are you confused? Keep reading...

I believe we climb many mountains in our lives and I believe that we are not the first ones to climb each mountain. There are many who have gone before us who have successfully, and not so successfully, put one foot in front of the other as they forged a trail up to each mountain peak.

Suffering through infertility can feel like climbing a mountain, a big mountain. Sometimes the mountain is so steep and the foliage so dense that you find yourself needing to hike some switchbacks. The temptation to cut through the foliage and just go straight up is strong. That is okay sometimes, but sometimes you can end up like my friends - lost, afraid and almost seriously injured. (spiritual and emotional injuries are sometimes the most painful)

I've hiked that mountain before. I made it to one peak. I didn't know there would be more peaks to climb in this struggle, but I'm at a point where I can actually look back on the trail to that first peak and wonder how I made it up that crazy mountain. I think I've rested at the top of this particular mountain long enough. My muscles have regained their strength. I am no longer out of breath. I think I could actually head back down the trail a bit to help others who are struggling up that arduous trail.

As I look back on that trail I can see what helped me and maybe, just maybe, if I stand still, someone who has lost the trail can see where I'm standing and find the trail again. I'm willing to do that - even if it is just for one person. Truly I am.

When I was lost in between those switchbacks there were those who stood still for me. They didn't know they were helping me specifically, they were just doing what I'm trying to do now, shining their faith and courage and trust in the Lord on the path they had just climbed, so that I could find my way.

Ardeth G. Kapp was the General Young Women's President during most of my teenage years. She was amazing to me. When she spoke, I could feel her words fill my heart with light. Her words made me want to be the best I could be. I had no idea at the time that she struggled with infertility and that for reasons that are her own private reasons, she has never given birth to a child or adopted.  After I was married, I came across a talk she gave once entitled "Just the Two of Us - for Now" Wow did that talk lift my spirits!! The courage it must have taken her to give that talk amazes me.

Some of you might remember her, she wrote a book entitled "I Walk By Faith" Do you remember that era in the Young Women's program? She seems even more inspiring now doesn't she. She knew of what she preached! She walked that trail! The woman who helped me through some very difficult experiences as a teenage girl, helped me again and continues to help me. I can see her standing still on that trail above me, helping me find my way. Thank you Sister Kapp! I will give you a hug someday. :)

I've already written about my love for the women of the bible - Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elisabeth. How I love these women. Did I get to sit at their feet in the life before this one and receive valuable training on how to endure this trial with courage and faith? My spirit seems to remember that I did and my connection to them feels that close. I can also see each of them standing on that trail above me, helping me find my way. In fact, I named my daughter after one of these women - her name means "Oath of God" or in other words, "God keeps His promises" (go research that!) Wow they are amazing women!! Read their stories in the bible. Read them over and over and remember they were real women with real feelings and real faith. Thank you dear sisters! I will give each of you a hug someday. :)
(Orson Scott Card's "Sarah" is historical fiction, but wonderful - I cried almost the whole way through it.)

Sheri Dew and Mary Ellen Edmunds are two of my favorite people. Neither of them have married or had children in this life.

Read anything you can get your hands on from Mary Ellen Edmunds - better yet, LISTEN to her talks on CD or go hear her in person- she will teach you how to find sunshine in the midst of a hurricane. She will teach you how to reach out in your sorrow and help those along the way. She will teach you that love is a verb and that our Father knows exactly what He is doing and that He is incredibly loving and has a great sense of humor. That's important and very helpful along any trail we find ourselves climbing.! 

Sheri Dew's views on Motherhood changed my life! Her talk "Are We Not All Mothers?" had a deeply profound impact on my perspective. She taught me, so many years ago, that even if I never give birth to or raise a child in this life, I am still a mother for the simple fact that I am a daughter of God and that is what God's daughters do - we mother people. Even my 6-year-old daughter is a "Mother". She has a tremendous capacity to nurture and care for those around her and she is a powerful girl who will someday be a powerful woman. I could put quote after quote in this post from Sheri Dew about the doctrine of motherhood but then this post would be super duper long instead of just super long. :) READ HER TALKS!!! 

 I can see both of them standing there on the trail helping me find my way. Thanks you two! I will give each of you a hug someday! (Mary Ellen Edmunds was one of my MTC instructors - I have been able to have a few squeezes from her already)

In my mind's eye I can see these eight righteous, faithful women standing still on the trail ahead of me. Can you see them too? They had faith in God, but they didn't get exactly what they desired in this life. They have what was desired for them by our all knowing Father, and now look at what amazingly powerful examples they are to so many of our Father's children! They mothered me. Isn't it ironic? These women who either have not raised a child in this life - or just raised one or two -these women MOTHERED me.  Their mothering will go on into the eternities. Maybe in their mortal lives they did not fit the definition of a "mother" but I've learned that our mortal definition of "mother" is not the eternal definition. Worlds without number will be their eternal mothering destiny.

Oh, I could go on and on about other women who have stood and guided me along the path. But I need to mention the most important person who helped me the most along that trail. You know who I'm going to say, because He is the One helping you too. He is the one who knows how lost and forgotten you can feel. He is the One who lets you get mad at Him sometimes because you feel like the solution to your problem is completely in His hands! Why does He let this happen? Right? Even the strongest of us feel that way sometimes. It's okay. He can take it and He does because He loves you.

What I have learned is this, in the Garden of Gethsemane, He hiked your mountains before you ever did. That's what happened in that Garden. He knows that trail. He knows where you could trip and fall. He knows where the gravel is loose and dangerous. He knows that sometimes you can't see the peak at all and so you wonder what you are even trying for. He knows! He knows!......He knows. He knows that every month you are reminded that you are not pregnant. He knows how difficult it can be to answer everyone's questions. He knows that you have spent a small fortune on pregnancy tests and have actually banned them from your house by now. He knows how hard it is to go to baby showers and He is proud of you when you go and you are sincerely happy for your friend. He is also okay when you just can't make it to the shower because it has been a bad week and you are not feeling strong enough. He knows.

He knows how hard it can be to sit in church or listen to talks and lessons about motherhood and parenting and eternal families. He knows you understand the Plan and that you have faith in Him and He also knows that it stings a bit and sometimes you have to fight back the tears so that no one will know how you hurt. He knows. He knows you have a small collection of adorable baby clothes that you keep hidden away, but you know right where they are. He knows.

There is so much He knows, I can't convey it all here. But you understand. He doesn't just stand still on that trail waiting for you to make it to Him. He will go to where you are, if you'll let Him. He'll take your hand and lead you back to the trail and then He'll walk with you - the whole way!! Somewhere along the path you will remember that He walked His own path once - alone. Then you'll know why He is walking next to you - He completely understands "alone". 

 While you are walking with Him, up that mountain, you will come to know the greatest man who has ever lived on this earth and you will actually get to a point where you look back at your experience and feel intense gratitude for having been given the opportunity to hike that mountain with Him by your side.

 You will come to know that our Father really did know what He was doing when He set you on that path!

 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

The Savior knows how spectacular the view is once you finally reach the peak. He knows what it will feel like to look and see what you have done.

I promise, you will reach that peak and you will be amazed!!

How I Survived Those Waiting Years

When I started this blog I had no idea what to expect. I just knew I needed to finally follow my heart and obey the impressions to just write and share my testimony of Jesus Christ and how He has helped me through this life. I have felt a little reluctant to post some of my feelings. One such post was a very brief portrayal of my ordeal with infertility. That was a little scary to share. But guess what? Several times a day, someone, somewhere in the world, reads that post. (Empty Arms On Mother's Day) I had no idea. I mean, I know it is a common problem but I had no idea anyone would care about what I had to say on the subject.

I guess I'll share more...

Here are the facts: My husband and I married in 1996. We wanted to start having children almost immediately. But it didn't happen. We went to doctors. I took medicine. We spent lots of money. We tried adoption. Nothing worked. In the spring of 2004,  we finally agreed to try In Vitro. 4 embryos were implanted - 1 resulted in a pregnancy and in January of 2005, our beautiful daughter was born. 18 months later, I was shocked and surprised to discover that I was pregnant again! Wowsers! In February of 2007, our wonderful son was born. But we had 4 remaining embryos left over from our first try with In Vitro. We had wanted a big family with lots of children so we prayed and prayed and decided to give those embryos a chance. They were not the healthiest embryos so we knew there was a huge chance that I would not become pregnant but we felt very strongly the need to give them a try... I did not become pregnant.

Below is a post I wrote on my family blog in December of 2008 after that 2nd failed in vitro attempt:


This last August (2008), we tried in vitro again. We had four remaining embryos to use after trying for our daughter. These embryos were our responsibility and we didn't feel right about turning them over to science or donating them to someone else. After all of the hormones, appointments, and money, we finally went through with the procedure. Three embryos were implanted (one did not survive the thawing process) but I did not become pregnant. My body thought it was pregnant because of the drugs and so I had to go through a natural process of balancing my hormones out again and getting back to normal. 

For those who have never tried this, it just sounds like we didn't get pregnant, oh well, just keep trying right? Wrong. It's not that way with in vitro - I felt as if I had miscarried 3 babies. I know some of you who have never been through this have a hard time understanding how this could have felt like a miscarriage - but it does.  I have no idea when the spirit enters the body, but I am still grieving the loss of those little lives. I am not sad as much about not getting pregnant, I'm sadder at the loss of those three little ones - they were very much alive to us and already felt like a part of our family. We had prayed for them, fasted for them and spent so much time and energy on their behalf - of course, we would feel great sorrow at their loss. We will not be trying in vitro again as it is very expensive and I'm getting "old" according to fertility docs. Our son did come naturally but it took 11 years of trying the "normal" way for that to happen and so I cannot let my hopes get too high that it will happen again.


I have not wanted to share this info with many people because it is a very private matter and it hurts, to be completely honest. When someone doesn't understand how badly it hurts they tend to make comments that just make it worse (I know the comments are made innocently and so I am never angry at the person but my heart aches just a little more than it did.) I also don't know how to verbally relay that I have complete faith in the Lord's plan, but I still feel pain. I usually come off sounding like I don't feel sadness at all and then people think I don't care and then they don't care - at least that is how I feel. So, I just keep my mouth shut and don't say a word.

But here I am making a public announcement on our blog for the whole world to read. I have not been able to stop thinking about the need to let this be known. Since August, (2008) the Lord has put in my path so many women who are dealing with infertility, whether it be initial infertility or secondary infertility - it still hurts and it is still a very lonely problem. I know many couples have tried in vitro several times and have not even had the success we have had. I know some women only have to wait for 6 months and others their whole lives. I know some women have miscarriage after miscarriage and some find themselves needing to adopt in order to have children. Some women probably don't think I have any right to write this post because I did give birth to two children. But the Lord has taught me over the years to never discount the pain of others just because you think it is not as hard as it could have been. Everyone's pain is legitimate because we do not know all of the dynamics involved and so we can never compare one person's pain to another.

During the long years before children came to our home, I grew to love and feel very close to some of the women in the bible - Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Elisabeth. Did you know that each of these women had to wait a very long time for children to come and then when they finally did have children, they only had one or maybe two? The Lord pointed that out to me - I think He knew their powerful, righteous examples would help me survive. He was right. He always is.

As I'm writing this it occurs to me that I would love to be able to correspond with Sarah. If I could write a letter to her, what would I write? Hmmm...




Dear Sarah,
Several years ago I got to know you as I was waiting for children to come to my home. I read about you in the bible. I read about the others who waited too - Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elisabeth. You seemed like a group of sisters to me. Sisters in suffering. Sisters in faith and righteousness. The Lord pointed each of you out to me and told me to learn from you. He pointed out how valuable you were to Him in the building up of His kingdom and that the number of children a woman has doesn't make her of any more worth than another. In fact, He taught me that even if I never had a child in this life, I would still be able to perform an amazing work on this earth. I just want you to know how grateful I am for your willingness to trust the Lord, especially when you thought your chance was long gone. Because of your example, I have also tried to place my trust in Him and let Him be in control. He sees what I do not see. He knows what I do not know. He has a plan for my little family and I know it will be greater than any plan I could devise on my own.
Love,
Lisa


I will share more of my survival techniques later...those two babies I longed for, are longing for me right now and they come first. I know you understand. (You can read the follow-up to this post by clicking here "I Will Stand Still For You.")

Empty Arms on Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.

It has been a wonderful day filled with kisses and homemade cards and hugs and sweet, sweet smiles from my two adorable children. They are the light in my day, my hope for the future, my reason to keep going because I know they are depending on me to teach them and help them and love them. I will be eternally grateful for them.

But Mother's Day wasn't always sweet and wonderful.

For a long time, there were no kisses or hugs or homemade cards. There was just the hole in my heart that could only be filled with children. For 9 long years my arms ached to hold a baby I could call my own.  My husband and I tried all the meds out there. We started the adoption process a couple of times, but for some reason, that was not the path we were to take. Finally it came down to trying in vitro or just accepting the fact that it may just be the two of us for the rest of our lives.

We tried the in vitro and against our specific odds, odds which caused the doctors to be skeptical that we would have a positive outcome, we were blessed with a beautiful daughter. Then 18 months later, I discovered I was pregnant with a little boy! Wowsers! Two children when I thought I may never have any!

Some of you reading this may have found yourself in this same situation - or you know someone or love someone who is dealing with infertility issues. I'm writing this to you. It may be just one of you, but I'm betting there are more. In fact, I know several women who are struggling with infertility or trying to adopt and I wish I could put you all in one room where you could all talk together. But the problem with that is that you are each individuals and you may compare yourselves to others or think that no one really understands you or that the other women don't have it as hard as you do. I know. I've felt those same feelings. So I guess this needs to be done on an individual basis.

I want to tell you how the Savior took my hand and helped me through those long years.

Before I do that, I need to say here that before I had children, I used to hear women who already had children, whine to me - to ME! (who had no children) - that they couldn't have any more children and how hard that was for them. I could hear the pain in their voices, but all I could think of was that they had a child or children to love when I had none. How could they compare their pain to mine?! I now understand what they were feeling, as I would love to have more children, but I try very hard to remember the pain and emptiness I felt before being blessed with children and then I calm down because yes, I do have children to love and my arms are not empty. I need to be grateful for the blessings I have.

That doesn't mean I don't still feel some pain and longing. Here is where I can still understand the pain that women feel who long for children, whether they don't have any yet, or want more.

I feel sincere joy when other women tell me they are expecting and I love to be around new babies and wrap myself in their straight-from-heanveness. Yes, it tugs at my wanting-more-babies heart strings but most days I'm at peace with my situation. I worked very, very hard to overcome bitterness and self-pity and ingratitude. I erroneously thought that once I finally did have a child all of those longings would go away but it comes and goes and on most days, I feel peace.

...On most days...

Satan works hard on me in this area. He whispers stupid lies in my ears like, "No more children want to come to your home." "You are doing such a bad job with the two children you do have, Heavenly Father doesn't trust you enough to send more children to you." "You are not a strong enough or intelligent enough or patient enough woman to be able to have more than two children." among other things. Like I said, STUPID LIES and I know they are stupid but he is so danged persistent.  It is one of the areas he thinks he can get to me in the battle for my soul and I will admit these lies of his hurt me as if they were arrows aimed at my heart. I am wounded and sometimes weak in this area. But he's not going to win this battle because during those 9 long waiting years, I learned how to do a few things...

I learned how to dig deep within myself to find the super duper thick trust in God that tends to settle at the bottom of my heart.

I learned how to close my eyes and recall the images of Sara and Hannah and Elisabeth from the bible - waiting and waiting and waiting for a child and then only having one child, yet being powerful women in God's kingdom.

I learned how to imagine myself into the eternities and know that this life is not all there is and that someday, if I am faithful, all of my righteous desires will be fulfilled.

I learned how to recite Isaiah 55:8 over and over again, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

I learned how to let the Savior take me into His arms and carry me out of this dark and scary place that could lead to depression, bitterness, sorrow and ingratitude. He holds me tighter and acknowledges that He knows it is hard and He knows I am wounded and that He is doing all He can to help me make it out of the faith smothering jungle wherein so many women in this situation find themselves. As I cling to Him, I know He can do what He is promising. So even though I can't see the path clearly in front of me, I trust that He can and I hang on even tighter.

Our Father in Heaven is in control and if I have learned anything in this life, it is to TRUST HIS JUDGMENT. So, the rest is in His Hands. He is in charge and yes, I WILL TRUST HIM! He knows what I do not know and sees what I do not see.

"How did you learn this?" you might ask. Well, I had a choice. I could let my empty arms become filled with bitterness and sorrow, or I could wrap them around Someone who understood bitterness and sorrow and learned to overcome it Himself. I chose to do the latter.  "Jesus partook of history’s bitterest cup without becoming bitter!" ("Enduring Well" by Elder Neal A. Maxwell)

He went to your saddest place and found the way out. Let Him lead you out of your darkness into His light where, although we may not get all we desire in this life, we CAN trust Him and His love.

Some days that is all you can hold onto... but at least your arms won't be empty.

(p.s. This lesson doesn't just apply to waiting for children)

To read follow up posts to this click on these links...

"How I Survived Those Waiting Years"
"I Will Stand Still For You"